Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Anti-Mercury Awards

Never Mind The Mercury Prize: Here's The Quietus' Jovian Bow Shock Award - July 09

It took a pot of tea to come up with a better list than the Mercury
Prize. Who'll be taken out for a pizza come September?

The powers that be will have you believe that The Mercury Prize,
formerly called the Mercury Music Prize, formerly known as the Cif Lemon
Mercury Music Prize and currently known as the Mmmm! Danone! Mercury
Prize for sponsorship reasons, is an annual music prize awarded for the
best album from the United Kingdom or Ireland. It was set-up by the
British Phonographic Industry and British Association of Record Dealers
in 1992 as an alternative to the industry-dominated Brit Awards. But in
a scientific experiment we decided that it would take us in the office
(John Doran, Luke Turner and Kev Kharas) literally 40 minutes and a pot
of tea to come up with a much better list. Lo and behold, this is
exactly what we have done with a minimum amount of box ticking, bung
chucking, misjudged diversity sensitivity and (in the case of Florence
and the Machine) utter fucking wrongness.

Anyway, here it is: the album shortlist for The Quietus Jovian Bow Shock
Prize in association with Il Bacio Express Pizzas on Stoke Newington
Church Street. The rules are pretty much the same as with the Mercury
Prize except we've chosen good albums. When we decide who the winner is,
we'll take them out for a pizza. We can highly recommend the Franos
which has artichoke, goat's cheese and slices of roast potatoes on it.

As rumours reach us from multiple sources that several judges were
amazed to see Lily Allen's It's Not Me It's You not reach the final
twelve, given that most people seemed to be in agreement about its
worthiness, we have to ask, what exactly is the point of this prize?

Seriously, awards: either do them properly or fuck off.

The Horrors - Primary Colours (XL)
Various Productions - The Invisible Lodger (Fire)
Teeth Of The Sea - Orphaned By The Ocean (Rocket)
Manic Street Preachers - Journal For Plague Lovers (Sony)
Micachu & The Shapes - Jewellery (Rough Trade)
Zomby - Where Were You In '92? (Werk Discs)
Simon Bookish - Everything / Everything (TomLab)
That Fucking Tank - Tanknology (Gringo)
Pet Shop Boys - Yes (EMI)
Actress - Hazyville (Werk Discs)
PJ Harvey & John Parish - A Woman A Man Walked By (Universal/Island)
Benge - Twenty Systems (Expanding)

Full feature:

No comments: